My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
