The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
