i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
