...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
