Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
