So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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