bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
