I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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