people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
