Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
