My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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