my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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