I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Plan B is the new Plan A
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
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