I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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