I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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