Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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