these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
