we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Is it penis luge time yet?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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