Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
