I faked an abortion last night.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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