Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
