I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Your cock deserves a montage
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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