I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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