Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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