Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
