I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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