I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Randomize
