Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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