I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
