john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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