took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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