After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
