Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
