I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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