Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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