i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I pour the whiskey from now on
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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