my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
