I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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