dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
