I got chris browned last night
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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