bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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