I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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