don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
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Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
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Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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