u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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