living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.