No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
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can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream