I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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