If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
