i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
