When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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