do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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