Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
