what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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