i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
