i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
