I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
