It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
