Jerry, you need to find god
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
