I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
nutella sex= disaster
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
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i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
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Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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