I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
