no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
