This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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