She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
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I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
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I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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