The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
