so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We are all done wearing pants today
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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